Compliments

This week we explore “Compliments”….

We hear them all the time. For example: “Good job Tommy, apparently all the practice was worth it.” said Ryan. Or perhaps…”That was your biggest and best performance ever Ryan!” said Lisa. It’s the polar opposite of berating someone like “Just admit it Dan, you fucked up!”

Anyway, so why do we say such things and what do they really mean? Some background info…I came up with this topic because well, I’ve never been one to know what to think of or how to take a compliment and sometimes especially in the past didn’t really know how to give them.

As I did last time, I’m going to look back to the definition of the word and how that plays into my understanding of the idea.

com•pli•ment (k m pl -m nt)
n.
1. An expression of praise, admiration, or congratulation.
2. A formal act of civility, courtesy, or respect.
3. compliments Good wishes; regards: Extend my compliments to your parents. See Usage Note at complement.
tr.v. com•pli•ment•ed, com•pli•ment•ing, com•pli•ments
1. To pay a compliment to.
2. To show fondness, regard, or respect for by giving a gift or performing a favor.

I’m going to focus on the first, most basic definition here. I believe it to be the original one from which the others were derived (or bastardized depending on how you view things of course). Its an expression of praise, admiration or congratulation. Certainly most expressions we think of as compliments fit this definition. “nice shot”, “wow, that was great, can you show me how do that?”. In most cases it certainly is nice to compliment someone because it may make them feel good about what they have done. On the flip side, certain things that fit the definition aren’t often regarded so much as complements so much as something else…because well, maybe one shouldn’t be complimenting certain things because it isn’t appreciated….for instance a guy complimenting a girl’s anatomy comes to mind. So what do we have so far.

1. A compliment is an expression of praise, and or admiration.
2. Perhaps its best not always best to express your admiration in certain situations, because while you may feel something is worthy of praise or admiration, it may not always be good to do so based on how its received.

This brings us to the next part of the topic, that I’d argue is inseparable from the idea of compliments itself, and that is “how is/would the compliment be received?” which itself is inseparable from “what does it mean to compliment someone”. Its inseparable because what it says about the person who said it will dictate how it is ultimately received. The first question here should always be thought of before uttering a compliment and sounding like a complete jackass (“nice sweater meat baby”! **SLAP**). The second one often is less well thought out. In the end, I can argue that what a compliment really means is that the giver of the compliment appreciates the receiver as a person - no matter how subtle the appreciation or how small a part of that person it is. From something like “I really admire how you handled that situation with integrity and poise to “awesome ride dude!”, it all speaks to the person and his actions. The first compliment here is very direct, stating what it is that is appreciated. The second one might be a little like saying “I think you have great taste”. So, I’d argue that no matter what is being complimented it all ends up back to praise or admiration of the person. Even sometimes when someone is so called giving credit where credit is due, I think we can still say that indeed the person that is giving the credit feels its due because the receiver of the compliment did something good, and it all reflects back on the person. It may not be a deep part of the receiver’s character per se, but in the end ALL of one’s actions are arguably somehow reflections(Stupid is as stupid does, etc.), or oneself (partial and incomplete or not).

So whenever we compliment someone, we are expressing that in some way, small or large that we appreciate them as a person. Now, to the next part. How we receive compliments. Well, the wrong kinds are received with a “that pervert!” or worse type response, the right kinds of compliments, they sometimes make people feel good, or even great. Sometimes, we don’t’ know what to make of them. For instance, we feel great receiving them if what we are being complimented on is say a job well done on something that we had spend a lot of effort on. Deep down, what the person who gives the compliment is saying is “I appreciate you because of your effort, commitment etc.” The good result being complimented feels good because we identify with that effort because it is a natural extension of who you are as a person (in this example hard working etc). However, sometimes we don’t know how to receive compliments. These are the ones we get for seemingly doing nothing, just being ourselves. Its almost like, “yeah I didn’t do much so I don’ know it is “deserved”. Well I guess now thinking about it, its not about “deserving”. Compliments aren’t really about giving an award or reward so I think we should not feel strange or weird or undeserving…either a person appreciates you as a person (follow that extension made earlier here) or they don’t, so just be glad that you are appreciated. Say Thanks and give an honest compliment as a return if you so feel like it. No need to feel undeserving.

Well, that gets us to the last part of this discussion – giving compliments. Remember they not only say something you think about someone, but they say something about you too. Like all things you say, it can be interpreted to mean something about you. If you are following, we glossed over this earlier with the “that pervert!” line. “Complimenting” the wrong things say the wrong things about you. Well, most times it is not always so black and white. That’s where I personally get into trouble. Sometimes I feel like giving compliments just because well, I think the other person should hear it, nothing more. I guess though we all do things for some reason. For example why do I feel they should hear it, and why from me? I guess when it comes down to it people will read into it what they will, because behind every chosen action there is some kind of intention, no matter how subtle or small. So maybe there is something to what people read into things….it may not be read correctly, but there is something there so I guess what I’m trying to say is next time you feel like complimenting someone and you aren’t sure what made you want to, ask yourself why. Why do I want to express my praise and admiration? Odds are you will learn a little bit about how you feel about that other person and in turn yourself.

Gift Giving

My good friend Ryan came up with an idea. We would each write about a new topic between the two of us each week. The topic for this week is "Gift Giving". No other clarification or specific aspect so...we pick our own points of view on what we want to talk about...so here goes.

GIFT GIVING:

We all have different idea of what this is. First, lets examine the words. Giving...well we all know what that is. Lets get a more clear definition of "gift" as it pertains to this phrase.

" Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation."

Basically its something given to someone without getting anything back. The implication is usually that a gift is a positive thing, but isn't spelled out definition. I infer this because it can be drawn logically that the thing that is given as a "gift" would usually require compensation to obtain. So my interpretation is that is something nice or good given to someone without expecting a return. Isn't that the nicest thing? No wonder we all feel special when we get it because someone has given us something for nothing.

In reality though, when do we get gifts? Birthdays, holidays etc right? Its almost as if its expected. Well it is nice and all to get things on days when we want to feel special...but in my opinion the coolest gifts are ones we give or receive almost by suprise. For the giver, the feeling of "obligation" is not there, its more PURE in that sense. For the receiver its an expected surprise so the effect is even better.

Another aspect of gift giving is the actual gift. While there is nothing in the definition that speaks to what the contents of a gift should be, I'd like to mention it. To me, I think the best gifts are ones that shows a level of understanding about the receiver by the giver. No gift is more special then a perfect surprise that is something the receiver had been wanting (whether he or she knew it for him or herself to begin with). No gift feels less special then one that required no thought or understanding.

So what does all this mean? For me, I think gifts should be given almost like random acts of kindness and given with the spirit of genuine good will and not out of obligation. They should be carefully selected with thoughtfulness as to how what it might mean to the receiver and how it will be received.

ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! That was a fun day. No, thats not my new ride. ZoomZoomLive was a fun and free event where we got to drive some mazda mx-5's and Rx-8's around a closed mini autocross course. Great Fun! Oh yeah and with that.... ummm street racing is dumb! Take it to a strip, autocross, or a track!

Always remember September 11, 2001. Always remember how united our people were afterwards, and always remember the good people that helped. Of course always remember those that lost all that day and let us wish the best for them and their loved ones. (The picture here is from the tribute in 2004, I don't know who should be credited for it)