Compliments

This week we explore “Compliments”….

We hear them all the time. For example: “Good job Tommy, apparently all the practice was worth it.” said Ryan. Or perhaps…”That was your biggest and best performance ever Ryan!” said Lisa. It’s the polar opposite of berating someone like “Just admit it Dan, you fucked up!”

Anyway, so why do we say such things and what do they really mean? Some background info…I came up with this topic because well, I’ve never been one to know what to think of or how to take a compliment and sometimes especially in the past didn’t really know how to give them.

As I did last time, I’m going to look back to the definition of the word and how that plays into my understanding of the idea.

com•pli•ment (k m pl -m nt)
n.
1. An expression of praise, admiration, or congratulation.
2. A formal act of civility, courtesy, or respect.
3. compliments Good wishes; regards: Extend my compliments to your parents. See Usage Note at complement.
tr.v. com•pli•ment•ed, com•pli•ment•ing, com•pli•ments
1. To pay a compliment to.
2. To show fondness, regard, or respect for by giving a gift or performing a favor.

I’m going to focus on the first, most basic definition here. I believe it to be the original one from which the others were derived (or bastardized depending on how you view things of course). Its an expression of praise, admiration or congratulation. Certainly most expressions we think of as compliments fit this definition. “nice shot”, “wow, that was great, can you show me how do that?”. In most cases it certainly is nice to compliment someone because it may make them feel good about what they have done. On the flip side, certain things that fit the definition aren’t often regarded so much as complements so much as something else…because well, maybe one shouldn’t be complimenting certain things because it isn’t appreciated….for instance a guy complimenting a girl’s anatomy comes to mind. So what do we have so far.

1. A compliment is an expression of praise, and or admiration.
2. Perhaps its best not always best to express your admiration in certain situations, because while you may feel something is worthy of praise or admiration, it may not always be good to do so based on how its received.

This brings us to the next part of the topic, that I’d argue is inseparable from the idea of compliments itself, and that is “how is/would the compliment be received?” which itself is inseparable from “what does it mean to compliment someone”. Its inseparable because what it says about the person who said it will dictate how it is ultimately received. The first question here should always be thought of before uttering a compliment and sounding like a complete jackass (“nice sweater meat baby”! **SLAP**). The second one often is less well thought out. In the end, I can argue that what a compliment really means is that the giver of the compliment appreciates the receiver as a person - no matter how subtle the appreciation or how small a part of that person it is. From something like “I really admire how you handled that situation with integrity and poise to “awesome ride dude!”, it all speaks to the person and his actions. The first compliment here is very direct, stating what it is that is appreciated. The second one might be a little like saying “I think you have great taste”. So, I’d argue that no matter what is being complimented it all ends up back to praise or admiration of the person. Even sometimes when someone is so called giving credit where credit is due, I think we can still say that indeed the person that is giving the credit feels its due because the receiver of the compliment did something good, and it all reflects back on the person. It may not be a deep part of the receiver’s character per se, but in the end ALL of one’s actions are arguably somehow reflections(Stupid is as stupid does, etc.), or oneself (partial and incomplete or not).

So whenever we compliment someone, we are expressing that in some way, small or large that we appreciate them as a person. Now, to the next part. How we receive compliments. Well, the wrong kinds are received with a “that pervert!” or worse type response, the right kinds of compliments, they sometimes make people feel good, or even great. Sometimes, we don’t’ know what to make of them. For instance, we feel great receiving them if what we are being complimented on is say a job well done on something that we had spend a lot of effort on. Deep down, what the person who gives the compliment is saying is “I appreciate you because of your effort, commitment etc.” The good result being complimented feels good because we identify with that effort because it is a natural extension of who you are as a person (in this example hard working etc). However, sometimes we don’t know how to receive compliments. These are the ones we get for seemingly doing nothing, just being ourselves. Its almost like, “yeah I didn’t do much so I don’ know it is “deserved”. Well I guess now thinking about it, its not about “deserving”. Compliments aren’t really about giving an award or reward so I think we should not feel strange or weird or undeserving…either a person appreciates you as a person (follow that extension made earlier here) or they don’t, so just be glad that you are appreciated. Say Thanks and give an honest compliment as a return if you so feel like it. No need to feel undeserving.

Well, that gets us to the last part of this discussion – giving compliments. Remember they not only say something you think about someone, but they say something about you too. Like all things you say, it can be interpreted to mean something about you. If you are following, we glossed over this earlier with the “that pervert!” line. “Complimenting” the wrong things say the wrong things about you. Well, most times it is not always so black and white. That’s where I personally get into trouble. Sometimes I feel like giving compliments just because well, I think the other person should hear it, nothing more. I guess though we all do things for some reason. For example why do I feel they should hear it, and why from me? I guess when it comes down to it people will read into it what they will, because behind every chosen action there is some kind of intention, no matter how subtle or small. So maybe there is something to what people read into things….it may not be read correctly, but there is something there so I guess what I’m trying to say is next time you feel like complimenting someone and you aren’t sure what made you want to, ask yourself why. Why do I want to express my praise and admiration? Odds are you will learn a little bit about how you feel about that other person and in turn yourself.